Relationship crash and burn

Things with J blew up in my face pretty fast. Comically fast, as in one pizza and a movie night fast.

Until now I had only gone out on the town with J. We had spent a few night in a hotel for reasons that made total sense at the time and since I love hotel sex, I was totally game.

To be fair, I had a night with her I will probably never forget. I got to experience the kind of affectionate intimacy coupled with sex that I have been longing for my whole life. It was a beautiful thing and it broke open a piece of me that I will be forever grateful to have had happen.

That said, she is also a special kind of unstable that required that I run, not walk, away from this woman as fast as possible.

Here is how it went down, in 3 hours of blazing glory:

We had both gotten an awful cold, and I was finally feeling better and craving to get back to the naked-in-your-arms intimacy from our last encounter so I offered to bring a pizza to her house and we could watch a movie under the covers and just be girlfriend-y and sticky sweet.

1. I hadn’t realized her 11 yr old son would be there and I wasn’t thinking I was meeting the family after only a few weeks. Also very glad I brought pajamas… Don’t spring that on a gal!
2. She shows me around her house and at first glance it looks like no one lives there and was abandoned a few years ago after a bunch of ex-roomates shoved their dirtiest furniture all over the place. Except she owns the place, and pretends that its all “renovations.”
3. I see the renovations that, even as a lay-person, I can tell she has no permits for and the whole thing is very bizarre.
4. We are in the backyard and she starts throwing odds and ends into the darkness and yelling at what could be cats in the bushes. It’s all a way bigger deal than it needs to be. Hey, J, It’s cold, and dark, can we not get strung out on a random cat? No.. cool. Just checking.
5. Back to the house. She lives in the garage that is painted and neat and nothing like the rest of the house where everyone else (like her son) lives. There are so many scented candles lit that I fear it may burn down or I could be overcome by pumpkin spice.
6. There isn’t a functioning table to eat in the main house so her, me, and her son all pile onto her bed and eat pizza in our laps. I now wonder how many crumbs I will be sleeping in tonight. Ick.
7. She starts coughing and hocks up a loogie and leans over the bed and spits onto what appears to be the floor? After the 2^nd or 3^rd one I dare to ask. “Oh..” she says, “there’s a garbage can.” Nice.
8. Her son makes a comment and she laughs. “Your fucking funny!” she says. Later, she tells me he told her, “You just like her because she has a nice ass.” Ummmm your son just objectified me and you encouraged it… not cool.
9. As we sit she tells me about her former fiancé and how they had met the previous weekend. I knew they saw each other but I thought it was just social. Turns out she left me at the hotel before noon, picked up her ex… maybe not as ex as I thought… and went to another hotel for the night and had sex, all while she was texting with me. Wait, what?
10. Then she casually mentions another ex- fiancé in the past year. I clarify, two separate women you were engaged to in the past year. One of them you are still sleeping with, but not, you know “with-with” Yup.   Oh… wow.
11. She opens her phone to show me someone she met and opens up Tinder.  She has so many matches I can’t count them as she scrolls screen after screen of messages to scores of women. She never does find what she is looking for and goes into her e-mail where I see pages of Craiglist chats… Oh there she is.  Holy Shit!
12. She’s not feeling so hot and starts shoving medication in her mouth to the point where I wonder if she will stop breathing or have a heart attack in the night from the level of suppressant medication she just took. Whoah!
13. Potty break to clear my head. I get into the bathroom and realize her up-to-code master bath isn’t deep enough to sit on the toilet and not hit the opposite wall with your knees so I am at a ¾ angle trying to pee and my knees are now out the door. Awesome. It’s just getting better.
14. I get back to the bed/table/OMG WHY AM I HERE and decide to circle the conversation back around the almost ex and I ended up having a coughing fit so bad I thought I was going to vomit. It turns out my body gets violently ill in the presence of that level of bullshit.
15. Oh, hey, look at that, my thing at the place just exploded and I have to go. You keep the leftovers!