I spent my whole life trying to figure out how women could go from one boyfriend to the next like they were getting on and off transit stops on a metro line. “How the hell do you find that many people to be attracted to so fast?” This bewilderment followed me around for most of my life. I just didn’t get it.
I’ve been out for a year now, and guess what. I totally get it.
Suddenly no matter where I go, I trip and fall over some woman who is nice, and smart, and cute and then hello libido!! I’m staring from across a room half in my head about all the things we could be doing if we weren’t in this grocery store /church service /playground /OBGYN waiting room… whatever… don’t judge me!
It’s starting to get embarrassing how often someone says something to me and I realize I just snapped into a conversation that is halfway in progress because I was imagining all-the-things with the woman over there. “I’m sorry… what… No… Yeah, that’s a great idea. What the hell are we talking about??”
The good news is that I got the nerve to tell the adorable woman with the bright smile and the sparkly eyes that I met at the Gay Christian Network conference that I have a crush on her. It was a big deal for me to be that honest. I generally don’t say anything and just hope and hint and maybe this will just magically work out? Pleeeeease?
I didn’t die. Obviously, because I am typing this, but in the past it always seemed like I might die and melt through the cracks in the floor if I admitted that I got all tingly when I looked at a an attractive woman. Don’t get me wrong it was very scary. My heart sped up and I had to remind myself to keep breathing and to just say it and let it be.
I’m glad I did. For better or worse she doesn’t live that local to me so if it went horribly sideways I was likely to stop getting messages but no actual damage in my daily life. She was flattered and we talked for a few hours on the phone and most days since then. I am really enjoying the process of getting to know someone that I have feelings for.
I am realistic and I know that chances are nothing will come of this and it will just be a good exploration into someone who is normal and stable and all the things I have decided I am worth enough as a person to have in my life. The rush of excitement that comes with the instability I have experienced in the past isn’t there, but the calm of a genuine connection of totally worth it for it’s own sake.
She casually mentioned coming to the San Francisco area over the summer and asked if I would like to see her. I can neither confirm nor deny the squeal of delight that may or may not have happened when I saw the text message.
It feels really good, and for now I’m happy. I could get used to this.